Monday, May 24rd, 2010.
From the mind of Mike Phelan O’Toole:
Checking in from a hot, humid room. Lots of youth-infuesed, restless thoughts tonight – ruminated on what I need to do to change that which is holding me back a bit from building tnagible things out of my potential. I was not given all that much guidence in how to get the motor going in the first place – with that, I am fortunate enough to have figured things out as much as I did.
There has not been much sleep to be had, but tonight, got out and walked around a lot – beatiful weather to be enjoyed. Sometimes the solitude is incredibly therapeautic in healing from the constant hustle and noise coming from other people, and other times it is brutal. Done, for now, with mulling over how and what to commit further to, in order to see my goals happen. Right now, I am just anxious to get to the station and get to editing. Much as I worry what this or that means or says about things in the overall, or long run, or how things define me, I have gotten better and better lately at simply going full tilt in pointing myself toward A-to-B. With this, before you know, hopefully, you’ve gotten where you wanted to go. There are simply some things I thought could be approached a different way, that I am going to have to face – you wanna turn the lights on? You gotta flip the switch, bitch. I am much better when I am around people. I feel I have done a good job in throwing myself into keeping up with folks at the ImprovBoston theatre, and community television stations. I hate that I am not in school right now, as, as the saying goes “If you’ve got an itch, go scratch,” I have an unyielding hunger for the structured swing at knowledge and personal growth – however things are how they must be right now. There is little encouragement at the homefront; I mentioned to my grandmother that I was applying for a new, part-time staff videography job, and she recalled that the partner of a person who has troubled me in the past told her to tell me “McDonald’s is hiring.” Also, simply in explaining film terms, and how the unions work, I mentioned the fee to join SAG. The only response was “And you might now even work three days!” I realize it seems I’ve been holding out false hope for some things, but most of all, it is that these will actually be cool in assisting me in getting what I need. I am extremely fortunate to have what appears to be almost a double life, in my work in community TV and performance stuff, where my good charactor is recognized a bit more. There is a lot bile spewed around in the fam. It/they can turn a positive thing into negative, and make a negative situation that much worse. I am not sure what set the scene for that kind of attitude dominating the scene, but I refuse to take the blame for that. As the saying goes, “you can’t control other people – only the way you react to them.” I realize my goals appear to be long-shots, but media and performance is the only thing I have completely gotten excited about, aside from girls – and I certainly have had more success in these fields than I have with women thus far. On that note, “perpetual friend,” I shall be no more! As of late, the flirty dialouge has been a bit overdone, on my end – but it is in an effort to assert what I’m about. I played the “don’t mention what you’re really thinkiing / neutral, nice guy” card way too much, to no aveil but personal heartbreak and unrequited love.
Larry, D.L., Andy, ImprovBoston folks and others are my family. In the thick of it, I don’t feel like an alien… As much.
Tomorrow, there will better things kicking on this end. I also hope to get some more spoken word shows happening. I remember being onstage in January, and stopping to think “This is great. This may never happen again – I better soak it up.” I hope that’s not the case, but I have sent out a bunch of emails and nothing yet. Time to create more of my own opportunities, like one must do in this game.
I should not have gone out and got that energy drink. Now I’m low on cash, and high on taurine. Thanks for reading this. Share the word, and the love.