Sometimes I have these feelings – they are such “teenage” feelings.
Going to turn 26 in a few weeks and still feel a variant of 16 years
old. I made a lot of mistakes, but as some folks have shared with me,
self-guilt is something to fight. Bad feelings? Bad moment? The moment
will pass, as moments do. Life is a series of moments. I have done a
lot of really cool, positive things as well – many that were once only
future-dreams of mine. They become a reality because I got together
with the right folks, and was in that right place, at that right
time… Or maybe the stars simply aligned. Still, though, I feel it is
not enough – it is not exactly what I wanted, or what I know we/I can
manifest – but life has that way of throwing you curveballs. I guess
rolling with the punches is all you can do, and if you’re able to find
a balance there, you’ve got to give yourself credit. Depression and
other nonsense running in my family, it can be a rough ride at times.
I am in a certain state of solitude now though, like I have not seen
in years, in my own apartment. Still, stuff has a way of wearing on me
at times, and with that, I feel a certain chunk of where I’ve been, or
who I’ve been with has been an alternative path, for better or worse,
in order to find a way to be both productive, creative and functional,
while occasionally having to deal with unstable circumstances. It’s
been like running away to join the circus… I have a stack of DVDs,
videotapes, photos and press clippings to show for it, but is that
really me? I don’t want to be this charactor all the time. Turn it off
for and a minute and let’s drink some tea together – October weather,
I find so romantic. Can’t we just chill out? Can’t we be real, and
relaxed. That imaginary audience nonsense is finally overwith. I’ve
had real audiences and though they are interesting to communicate
with, it’s a one-sided affair, really. What are you doing and how is
your world? I am not alone, and neither are you. Perhaps we had more
friends around us when we were kids, but we can find eachother here,
if only through the wires. I am a clown in a circus, gladly
entertaining you… But I am still self-concious of my big red nose
and floppy shoes. More than anything, I’m a comedian who wants to be
taken seriously. I’m a hearing-impaired alien who wants to be
understood. -T.S.E.

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